Well I have been 36 years old now for almost a week and am fully aware that I am creeping ever more closely to that daunting 40 number. Don't get me wrong, whilst it would be a lie if I said that turning 40 didn't bother me, I am more concerned about where I am at the moment and what I can do to change this.
I realise that it might seem a tad melodramatic but I am having serious doubts at the moment whether I can change my life for the better, which is after all what this writing experiment is all about for me. I feel at this point that I need to explain what it is I am trying to do.
I am not trying to write a story/book with the expectation that I will be able to make money, although I would love to be able to tell people, one day, that my name is Pip Connor and I make my living from writing books. But the idea and drive behind me writing a story/book is to see if I can just do it, to see if I can produce several hundred pages with words on them with the hope that if someone was to read it, they would hopefully enjoy it. But now I have started on 'Version 3' and I will probably regret saying this, a very small part of me is starting to believe that I might just have something here.
The last few years for me have been the toughest I have ever had. Almost everything that could have gone wrong has. And I'll admit that for a long while I let it all get to me. I didn't just wallow in the self pity and despair I felt (and to a certain extent still feel) I let it consume me completely. I took to drinking, quite heavily and was put on some pretty heavy medication too. And for a while I barely knew where I was and what I was doing. And then something changed. I don't know what it was, I really don't, but I decided that enough was enough.
I realise that other people who suffer from depression have their own tales and experiences and I don't want to belittle their own situation as I have learnt the hard way that depression is a very serious condition to have to live with, but in my own experience I realised that at the time I wanted, perhaps I even hoped, that someone would make everything okay and in turn stop me from feeling what it was I was feeling, a fairy godmother perhaps. But in my experience these people don’t exist. Fortunately for me, and I mean it when I say fortunately, I somehow managed to figure out that whilst my wife and baby girls helped more than they will probably ever know, there was only one person that was going to make everything all better and that was me. All the medication + the booze and everything else that went with it, for me anyway, weren't working. In the end I had to bite the proverbial bullet and sort my life out myself. So I decided the best way was to concentrate on something I reaal wanted to do and so I decided to try and write a story/book.
You might wonder why it is I refer to what I am writing as a 'story/book' and the reason for this is simple. I don't feel at the moment I have the right or deserve to call what I am writing a book. Not until I see it printed, even if ends up being nothing more than a pile of paper sitting on my table.
But by writing my story/book I have found that whatever it is I am trying to fix inside of me it seems to be working. I do feel better, more than I have in a very long time and the closer I get to finishing it, the more confident I feel about things in general. People still scare me, a lot. I seemed to have lost all my social skills over the last few years and I have real trouble trusting anyone, but I am hoping that one day that might change too.
My only problem now though and I am trying desperately to ignore it, is this little voice in the back of my head that seems to be getting slightly louder with every page I finish which is persistently asking me what happens if nothing comes from what I write? What am I going to do if it’s no good and no one else likes it? At the moment though I am choosing to ignore it, as I have a sneaky suspicion that even after I have finished writing my first story/book, that doesn't mean that everything is done and my gut is telling me that there is still a very long way to go.
Anyway, time for me to go as I am taking the afternoon off to watch the Abu Dhabi Grand Prix in the comfort of my own home.
So take care and stay cool.