Wednesday, 7 November 2012

Why bother? No-one cares.

This is me right now!!

Hey, it's me again and I had better warn you now, I am having a really bad day.

Nobody reads this blog, so I don't really care if what I write pisses people off.  I am going to sound really pathetic for the next 10 minutes, but at the moment, this little blog I have is the nearest I have to a friend right now.  And whilst I realise that you can't talk back and offer me reassurance, a supporting shoulder to cry on or even give me a bloody good slap for acting like a complete dick, it's still nice to know that I can vent to something, even if you are essentially an imaginary companion. 

Oh my God, I am 36 and have just realised that the nearest thing I have to a confidant, is a laptop and a blog screen.  My life truly is pathetic.

I feel I am very close to admitting that my experiment in whether I can change my life for the better is nothing more than a failure.  As is everything I try and do. 

Do you ever have that feeling that you were put on this planet for a reason?  I used to, if I was to be honest, I still do, but I am starting to suspect that my only purpose is for people and life to use and abuse me for whatever they can get, and then when they're done bleeding me dry of everything I can offer, they fuck off and leave me wondering what the hell is going on.

My head hurts!

I'm finding it really difficult at the moment to put into words just how it is I am feeling.  In my head it feels like there is nothing but chaos and entropy.  I am having serious trouble making sense of things. 

Is this what it feels like to lose your mind?


Is there anybody out there who can help me, please????

I hate feeling like this, I really do, but I have no idea what I can do to make things better.  I feel like I am nothing more than a burden, a pain in the arse.  I don't mean to be, but I am so frightened right now.


1 comment:

  1. Welcome to the club, Pip. You're now truly a writer! I do not know one writer who hasn't gone through periods like this. And it's not just when you're starting out. It happens to successful writers who have been at the top of the bestseller list. Yeah, I know--it doesn't help to hear that it doesn't get better. It does. The periods of self-doubt get shorter.

    Being a writer can seem harder now than ever because the competition is steeper. And because we're doing it out here in public. There's always somebody out there ahead of you, who can blog daily to 1000s of followers and crank out a book a month and doesn't need to eat or sleep and has a wonderfully supportive family who give him everything he needs. But guess what? He probably doesn't exist. Things just look better from the outside.

    Your note to me inspired my blogpost for next Sunday. I'm going to write about story structure, and how structure problems bog down most first novels. (I spent 10 years on my sucky unpublishable first novel. I hope I can help others avoid that.)

    If you haven't read it, I strongly recommend you pick up the book I wrote with Catherine Ryan Hyde, HOW TO BE A WRITER IN THE E-AGE...AND KEEP YOUR E-SANITY. Especially for the e-sanity part. Let me know what address you use for Amazon, and I'll send it to you as a gift. Just email me back. (I just sent you an email.) I think I can gift an Ebook from the UK.

    Hang in there. You may feel alone, but actually, you belong to a very, very big club. (Then put some friendly colors on this blog--something with a dark font on a light background, so older eyes can actually read it, and get rid of the "word verification"--in the privacy settings--so people can comment without being accused of being robots :-) )