I'm afraid that this particular entry is going to be one hell of a rant, so in the interest of not offending anyone, please be aware...
In my last post I am humbly asking for help...Please won't someone help me?? I was staggered at the response I received and would like to thank all of you for offering to help in my quest. I truly am grateful and would like to thank CD Baxter in advance. Please click on this link CD Baxter to view her website and the services she offers to writers in need of some help. I haven't forgotten CeDany and I will be contacting you direct on the 1st of April.
So what's the problem?
Me, I am. I have written 5 different version of my first story/novel/book. Each one different, but all of them the same. And I am now rewriting again for version 6.
What, are you mad!! I hear the few that might read this say, what's the point? And again I'll answer that with a resounding ME!! I'm the point.
I want to write the best story I can, I want to write something that says this is my story and it's the dogs bollocks. I want people to pick it up and not be able to put it down, I want them to laugh at the funny parts and cry when it's sad. I want them to love my story, tell friends about it and have them love it too. I want to write the best fucking book in the world!! And this will sound completely ridiculous but I think I can do it. I genuinely believe that I have the ability to write something that will be literary sound.
I don't want fame and fortune, fuck it, that's a lie, I think that's what we all want in one form or another, but I don't expect it, life's a lottery right? Well someone's got to win the jackpot at some point, why can't it be me?? Anyway, I'm moving off the point here.
I am desperately trying to write version 6 of my story, and I know that this version will be the one when I let someone finally read it. I'm hoping that they will like it and say it was written well and tell me it has potential. Will there be spelling mistakes, grammatical errors, short falls in plot, Christ I hope not, but in all honesty, probably yes. But when I finally surrender my story/book I have to make sure that what I give is the best I can do. Hence the 6 different versions.
Stephen King writes that Draft 2 = Draft 1 - 10%, which I completely agree with, but what do I do with the other 4 drafts, because if I continued with the maths I don't think I would have enough for a short story.
I love it when I write, it helps me, keeps me calm and happy at the same time. Have I been published, not yet. Will I ever be published, may as well ask me what this weeks lottery numbers are, who knows. I suppose I could just self publish and hope for the best, but I know that if I did that now I would be cheating anyone who reads my stuff, because I know that it isn't the best I can do.
But what do you do when the idea to write the same thing for a 6th time just seems to damn hard?
I am trying to rectify this, as CD Baxter has offered to help with my writing for a very reasonable price, but I know if I was to submit it now, well it's all shit. The words just don't feel right in my head. I know what I want to say, but getting it down on paper....
I could just walk away and start something new, but the frustrating thing is, I can't. When I am left alone with my thoughts all I think about is writing, how can I make it better, what can I do to ensure that everything flows, is the story believable, are my characters portrayed the way I see them in my head. I have read dozens of times about writers who say that their first book is shit, so they start on something new and go back to it later, or realise when they have some experience under their belt their first efforts were woefully crap. I can't accept this, I know, I have no idea what I'm talking about. That is true, I don't know anything when it comes to writing, I started this venture as a way for me to cope with life in general. Call it a mental holiday, when real life gets too complicated, sometimes it's good to daydream and think about something obscure and fantastical. Just because I am nearing 40 doesn't mean I can't escape reality every now and again. Hell I know Santa Clause doesn't exist, but every Christmas Eve a small part of me wonders what if?
I'll tell you what I want, I want to be able to submit my writing to someone and have them give it me back after reading it and say there's nothing I can do to improve this, it's perfect just the way it is. Fat chance right, I mean who has ever done that? Well if it's possible, I want too.
We can all dream, nothing is impossible, only improbable.
So what do I do to get that enthusiasm back? I wish I knew. I'm not giving up though, I can't, and I can't really explain why. Does that make me weird?
ARGGHHHH!!! I am so angry at myself at the moment, I'm better than this, I have to believe that otherwise what the fuck is the point?
So guys, I ask you, what do you do when you feel like this?
Does anyone have some kind of coping mechanism that they use when it comes to frustration born out of writing? (Drugs and alcohol is not an answer, unfortunately).
My apologies to anyone who may read this and think that my use of language wasn't necessary. I agree, but it sure helps when you get pissed off!!
Until next time.